The Conquest Bullshitter
Yeah, you know him. You either work with him or you have the displeasure of being his friend. Wow, where do I begin???
Let's break down his silly little lies about conquests.
1. "I've slept with over 50 girls, I lost count a long time ago, man!"
First of all.. Why would you brag about your multiple encounters with STDs? And what kind of bimbo would sleep with a moron like you? Chances are if their standards were that low, then they're probably carrying something. So you're actually just a disgusting piece of shit tooting your own horn about being the prime example of all the diseases we learned about in sex ed.
Secondly, I think you're full of shit. Yeah, maybe you have partners in the double digits, but really??? C'mon man.. Any guy who regularly picks up on girls will see right through your lies because a real ladies' man keeps it somewhat discrete in order to continue his streak. Furthermore, who is a witness to your so-called "hook-ups"? Or maybe you're the guy who walks out of a bar with a drunk girl, turns around and winks at your buddies, signaling that you have the cat in the bag.. Which also makes you look like a sleazy rapist who throws roofies in cocktails..
2. "This is how you pick up girls..." (Blah blah blah....)
Oh shit.. I can't stand it.. I make one honest statement about striking out with one girl because she just wasn't interested, plain and simple.. and now this fucking moron wants to act like Dr. Love... Fuck, someone, PLLLEEEASSEE save me!!! Here it goes.. And it starts like this "You just gotta be an asshole..." Been there, done that, dickwad, and it wasn't even intentional, I was just a selfish prick in some relationships, and those ultimately ended! And can you believe that it wasn't even a technique?? And pppuuuulllllleaasse, I've seen your desperate ass get clingy, touchy and over-zealous every single time a half way decent girl pops up! For fucks sake, practice what you preach or shut the fuck up! And the only time I see you start acting like an asshole in front of them is when they shoot you down! You act like a bitter little bitch because you can't take the heat!! Trust me.. when they create distance, that means they're repulsed by your very presence!! So get your hands off her shoulder and move the fuck on!!
3. "Ooooohhh, hey look, I'll be right back, I'm going to say wassup to my girl, Sapphire Candy, she's a local stripper.. I know all the strippers in town!!"
Now.. You don't even need me to get into how pathetic this is.. Really??? Are you fucking kidding me???? First of all, that's gotta be the stupidest and most pathetic thing to brag about.. Do you honestly think that people are going to think that strippers are magically attracted to you?? And it's sad how you memorize all their stage names.. That means you're a regular at the local strip joint and you blow all your money on 3 hours worth of teasing, only to end up going home ALONE with blueballs, jacking off to your 1980's porn collection that you got for $1 a piece at your local garage sale!
Secondly, why the hell would you take pride in knowing so many of these girls? It's like bragging about having the largest collection of STDs! You really want to know a massive quantity of girls who spend all their money on supporting their blow habit? Or wait.. you only meet the ones who are paying their way through college, right? And yes.. it's even more pathetic that you go to these places ALONE!! I'd be lying if I said I haven't gone to these joints, but they're usually for bachelor parties or birthday parties, and usually I'm only buying dances for friends.. But I did talk to one girl who was very honest, she said she's nicest to the loneliest, most desperate, frequent, money spending suckers who know them by name... And you.. my friend.. wait... I take that back.. You're NOT my friend.. you ARE this pathetic, lonely, individual...
I think this sums up this guy for the most part.
Some of his other lies include:
"I had over 30 shots in a single night": Be careful, loser, I may call you out on your bullshit one night, and watch you get alcohol poisoning on your 15th shot....
"I've been in over 200 fights, and never lost": Be careful fuckface, I may piss off the wrong guy on your behalf and watch you get KNOCKED THE FUCK OUT for the "first" time in your life.
"I've never been in love because girls don't mean shit to me": Be careful, shithead, I just may pay a girl to hit on you all night and ask you to elope towards the end, just to watch you say "Yes" and her to respond "I'm just fuckin with you, Douchebag".
"I get free drinks all the time!": Unfortunately.. This one might be true because you're a CHEAP ASS BITCH!! But be careful, bitch.. because one night, I may tell everyone how cheap you are and how you mooch off everyone, just so we can ask you to buy us drinks and remind you of all the times we got you, and I'm sure we won't get any drinks out of you... But being exposed for being cheap will ruin your reputation forever.. not that you haven't already ruined it.. NOBODY wants to be known as the cheap guy, NOBODY!
In closing, I'd like to apologize on my own behalf for cursing so much, but in a civilized world where you have to actually deal with these people, you don't always get an opportunity to verbalize everything you feel openly. I sounded like an ass and wasn't eloquent with my choice of words.. but frankly, when it comes to this subject, I just don't give a shit!! =) If this is your friend... I'm sorry, consider having a serious talk with him or cutting him off eventually.. If this is your co-worker.. I lament the 40 excruciating hours a week you must deal with him, but consider a new job or try to get him fired.. and yes.. I mean it.... If this is YOU.. You probably don't even know it.. But if you ever catch yourself saying anything remotely close to the above phrases or statements in quotes.. Well.. Back the fuck up and remember that my description and response is what most other people are thinking in the back of their head.. And remember.. It's never too late to change... Good luck, fuckface... Hope your journey is one of many realizations and epiphanies...
-Observing You....
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