Dancing Alone

Funny thing happened today.. I went to Subway and there was like 30 Asian foreigners there.. I didn't know Asian FOBs (Fresh Off the Boat) were so into American sub sandwiches.. So I'm in waiting in line with about 4 Chinese foreigners in front of me, along with 3 Japanese female exchange students.. Every member of each party is limited in their abilities to speak English.. So it's taking a while to place their orders.. There's a thick red headed white girl with her hair pulled back and her lips pierced taking all their orders.. She has this look of frustration on her face every time she takes an order.. She's describing the sizes of the sandwiches with her hands.. She puts them closer together when describing a small and spreading them wider apart when describing a large sandwich, and then proceeding to point at the pictures to ask what bread they want.. And then she talks really loud to get her words across.. I don't know why people always do this.. Their ability to understand English may be impaired, but I'm sure their hearing is perfectly intact.. Speaking slower might help, but louder?? So yeah.. I get to the front.. (Mind you, I'm Asian-American) And she starts to speak really loud and uses her made-up sign language to describe the sizes to me.. And I answer back "Yeah.. I'd like a 12 inch Cold Cut Combo on Honey Oat and make that a meal with the chips and a Diet Coke". Her reaction was half stupid and half relieved.. It was sorta funny... The next person comes to the front of the line and this time she speaks normal to him, and he looks confused.. And her look of contempt ensues as she starts her process all over again..

The Subway I went to was in the middle of a busy outlet mall near where I live... So far I've lived in California for about 4 months straight... And today is President's Day.. A very busy day for shopping centers out here.. You should have seen all the mark-downs today.. No wonder everybody from Chinatown and J-Town showed up..

When I left Subway, I had to tell a friend about the funny incident that took place. So I called up my buddy Gym (Not his real name, but there's a funny story behind that). So Gym and I exchanged a few laughs. He tells me that he's looking for suspenders or a new belt and I gather the details on what type of belt/suspenders he's looking for and then we hang up. I put in my headphones and start walking around. As I'm walking throughout the outdoor shopping center on a partially beautiful sunny day.. I realize something.. I'm alone.. So alone.. And I'm not even saying this in a bad way..

You see.. For the last 3 years I've been single and although I lived in a town for most of those years with several friends, I chose to be alone most of the time.. I ate alone, I drank coffee alone.. And I've observed every person around me alone.. It's incredible how attentive you are to your surroundings when you're all by yourself.. You notice the weather, the air, the traffic, the way people move, the way people walk, how people interact with one another.. The brand new couple that hold each others' hand like they want to build a future.. And the old couple who do the same because they don't want to let go of the past they built together.. I noticed children chasing each other like nothing else existed except for their laughter and their non-sensical eruption of energy... I noticed an old man sitting upright, asleep on a bench with a bag from Van's wrapped around his wrists, most likely holding merchandise for his grandchildren. As I wandered into the stores.. I kept noticing little details... It was wonderful... As much dirt as we see on TV and the News these days.. The one thing I noticed is that there's a lot more beauty in this world than there is shit... No matter what they tell you..

I continued to walk.. The music in my ears made me want to dance on every corner like nobody was watching.. Sounds corny as shit, right?? But being alone all these years has taught me that there's no shame in it.. Spectating is something you can learn to appreciate if you let your heart and mind absorb what this world has to offer.. Don't get me wrong.. I'm going through such a rough patch right now and sometimes being alone can be the hardest thing in the world because you start to live in your mind.. And that can be a scary thing when things are not going your way.. But the moment I get out and see the rest of the world.. It makes me believe in things again.. The ability for people to care and love one another.. And I can relate to every moment that I see.. The soft kiss on the forehead from a man to a woman.. The father picking up his son.. And tossing him up in the air.. The uncontrollable laughter amongst a group of friends... And the first bite of a great tasting sandwich... These are experiences that are somewhat far and few as of late.. But I grow to appreciate these things as they become less accessible..

Sooo yeah... I didn't mean to get all sentimental.. In fact, I originally just wanted to tell the sandwich story... But I had to share my experience of this delicious life that we all take for granted... As things get harder and harder for me.. I have to continue to tell myself that we live for the little moments.. The moments that only last for a few seconds at a time.. The moments that our sub-conscious' will forever cherish, yet our mouths rarely speak of.. If we took a snapshot of every smile and laugh we cracked.. We'd have a montage of what looks like a perfect life.. And life is not perfect... And I'm glad it's not.. Because if it was.. I wouldn't know what it feels like to climb out of darkness and see light.. I wouldn't know what it feels like to fall and rise again.. Only in experiencing the worst can we truly capture the essence of what it feels like to be the best..

So as I move forward in this journey alone.. I look forward to the fellowship that I see amongst others.. I look forward to what won't be.. what could be.. And all of the unknown...

(Wow.. that was some good music I was listening to during that walk around the shopping center, lol)Oh, I forgot to mention, the slow-mo of the eye catching gaze between me and the girl at Aldo was probably the most epic moment of all... Made me smile for a moment.. About 5'4" olive complexioned brunette, with long boots, skinny jeans, and a ruffled, short-sleeved blouse.. She had a short boy-haircut which I normally hate.. But damn!! She pulled it off!! Hot damn!! Ok.. I totally ruined the flow and mood of the entire blog entry.. But hey, whatever.. I started off the thing with a bit of humor so I can end it with some hot chick! Alright, non-existent readers.. I'm outta here.. Til next time..

-Observing You

Yeah.. I guess I asked for it...

Damn it... Ok.. So it's been a little over a month since my last post... Things have happened since.. And things have not happened since as well... So yeah, there's been more delays on opening this restaurant and I'm so sick and tired of waiting.. My parents are freakin stressed the hell out all the time and it's trickling down to me and it gets on my damn nerves.. They're pissed off half the time and the people we hired are dishonest, sleazy, con-artists.. Fuck all of them.. They can all go suck a dick for all I care... I'm sorry.. I'm usually not this negative, but these last few months have been rough..

Wondering what has happened since the last time I wrote? Well... Here's a little bit of insight.. I went to Portland again, surprise!! It was a great trip, extremely eventful and Abram was a great host as always. I had the same room and we partied like it was 1999 3 nights in a row.. Abram is great, the last two nights I was dead tired and he didn't mind just drinking and shootin the shit during reruns of "The Office". We get along so well, and I'm so fortunate that he's a friend of mine. Visiting Portland is partially awesome just because he just doesn't care what we do, whether it's kickin it and eating burgers, drinking coffee or hittin up bars and clubs and going up to random girls. And Abram is doing a lot of the approaching now.. I've taken a huge backseat from what I used to be like..

Well.. That kinda leads up to a new story.. Portland again.. So weird.. Maybe it's just luck of the draw.. So the second night I was in Portland, Abram and I went to a club called "Society" which was not even our original plan.. We had first planned to hit up a club called 915 and it was closed for some reason. So we walked down about another block and we came across Society. There's a doorman standing right in front the club and I ask him what the place was. And he responded by telling me that it was s bar and a club. I'm thinking "Cool, let's just start with this place". So Abram and I get in, and it's still pretty slow. Maybe about 15 people inside, few girls, few fellas, there's curtains and a lot of red tones and several flat screen television on the main floor where the bar is.. Abram and I go inside and order our first drink.. The bartender made our vodka sodas pretty damn weak.. So we decide to go for beers and shots for the rest of the night.. The night goes on for a while and then we hit up the dance floor...

I'm dancing around on the floor and then Abram tries to get my attention and says "Hey man, I think those girls are checking you out, man!" And I just shake my head and brush it off.. I didn't believe him.. And he still insists that these girls were checking me out.. I don't normally think any girl is just looking at me.. And I never try to jump the gun and misinterpret a look.. So I was pretty set on ignoring these girls.. Abram then suggest going up to them and I tell him that I'm for it, and I'll follow his lead.. Abram goes straight up to one of the girls and asks her "Hey, were you looking at my friend??" Lol!! I can't believe he just asked her that!! REALLY???? THAT STRAIGHT UP??? I was a little mortified, lol.. But Abram was drunk and absolutely fearless.. In fact he had a smile on his face the whole time he was doing it.. He was definitely in a good mood.. The girl he asked immediately starts shaking her head.. And I'm like "Aaaah, man!! You shouldn't have asked her that!!" And Abram just laughs and shrugs... We go back to the other side of the dance floor and I'm poppin and lockin and having a great time.. About 5 minutes pass and Abram nudges me again.. He says "Hey man, it's those girls again! I think they're offering you a drink!" And I'm like "Nooo no no... They're not, man.. Trust me" And I look over for a moment and there they are... All waving me over to grab a shot... I'm stunned at this point.. And I go ahead and take the drink with them.. At this point I realize that one of the girls was actually looking at me.. Abram had just went up to the wrong one.. But he had the right idea.. I gave him crap for having the balls to go up to them and it ultimately ended up leading me to get a number at the end of the night... Abram was the man.. I was the puss.. I should have known better... So yeah.. I get the number, and in two days go out on a date with a 5'1" Dark-haired, petite little girl named Kim. Kim is a recent divorcée with a daughter..

I'm not going to go into too much detail about the date. But I'll tell you that it was long, there was a shitload of talking, and I was tired and partially hung over.. And finally.. No, I didn't get laid.. Turns out she's a nice girl, looking for a serious boyfriend...

So here goes my dilemma.. Once I got back to Cali, I decided to text her and keep in touch with her.. I mean.. What the hell. I don't know anyone out here and I don't want to bother all my buddies with too many text messages.. So, I'd rather have a text message gal friend.. So I text her, we flirt, she starts texting me on a daily basis and vice versa.. Eventually she starts saying things like "I miss you" and "I really wish you were here with me"... And then she reveals that she might come to the area for a wedding.. And I'm thinking that this is a golden opportunity for me to get what I didn't the last time.. I know what you're thinking.. I'm bad.. Not nice.. But seriously.. If you were in my position and have kinda given up on the idea of finding the right person, you start looking at life and the options with someone in a completely different way... Sex becomes paramount.. Relationships... Not so much... So, anyway, she ends up canceling because other things came up and she can't make it that weekend.. So whatever.. But we continue to keep in touch and then she wants to start moving our conversations over to the phone eventually.. And then she starts alluding to more sexual things... She asks me personal questions about how "I like it" and if I groom in my private area and things of that nature, lol.. And this gets me going, but then she always screws things up by saying "I knew you were different from other guys.. You're really sweet.. You have a nice voice.. I can tell you're a good guy.."

*ARRRGHHH!!!* CONSCIOUS KICKING IN!! SERIOUSLY!!

So now she's talking about how she loved the fact that her having a child never bothered me.. WELL HELLO!! It didn't bother me because I never intended on being serious and becoming some type of step father!! And now she's talking about how she's going to set up another week to come out near the bay area to visit some friends and have me come and see her.. Or maybe even visiting her and staying at her place... And this might sound sorta bad.. But I don't even want it that bad.. I just needed something to feed my brain, and keep me stimulated, flirtation through text is fun.. And quite honestly, I don't even feel like we have that much chemistry.. But somehow I think she feels that we do... I can tell that we'd probably have a ton of sexual chemistry.. We're attracted to one another and that's about the extent of it.. But why should I complain?? I'm a true dickhead!! I respond to her by saying "Miss you too" and bullshit like that! WTF... I was so set on just letting this shit take its course and end up sleeping with her a time or maybe even two.. But now I don't think I can move forward with it... I'm confused.. I'm thinking of slowly letting this one go.. Or even maybe kinda partially telling her the truth.. Or I could go with the "I don't think I can do long distance". And the other part of me doesn't want to eventually fall for a girl that I supposedly just wanted to sleep with in the first place.. I mean.. I can talk all the shit I want.. But the truth is.. I'm vulnerable just like any other human being.. I've been single for a while now, aside from random hook-ups.. I could potentially settle for someone who is not right for me...

I'm going to fiddle with my thoughts for a while.. I really do hope I make the right decision for her sake and for my own sake.. Let's all hope that I do... Again.. to all of you non-existent readers.. Farewell til my next Ramble on life..

-Observing You